Today, December 21, is known as the winter solstice, the first day heralding the start of winter, the shortest amount of daylight is present. For those of us who live in warmer climes, we too see the weather grow colder and this seems to be in tune with overall weather pattern changes.

Heralding this season also marks a time where people’s emotions and memories come to the fore. This time of year opens the door to not only outer merriment but also to a place where some experience sadness and a longing. I think it is important for each of us to display as much compassion and respect as we can for those who may be going through a difficult passage.

The images one sees portrayed in the movies and or commercials about Christmas and New Years is not often the experience that people have this time of year. One reason why so many suicides seem to occur this time of year is due to people not being able to accept what has happened or to forgive themselves or others for past actions.

It is interesting to note at a time when the message of the season is one of love and compassion, some struggle to maintain any sense of normalcy. It seems that the Hopi and Maya predictions of emotions intensifying during these times is increasing and that is why it is so important to find a practice that grounds you spiritually so as to withstand the negativity about.

While none of us knows what tomorrow may bring, one aspect of reality to guide us is not only the present, but that which is unseen, waiting to come forth. This is where hope comes in. And again, the greatest gift of all throughout time is love. How can love survive without hope and how can hope be maintained without love? It seems the two go hand in hand. Let us cultivate a gentleness of spirit, a time of cooperation, not competition, of grace, not ego or pride.

I often make a joke that none of us will get out of this expereince alive!! The truth is our existence will be ongoing, but not as we know it. If we wonder how this can be, perhaps it is time to review what we have learned thus far and re-examine what we were taught. They say the mark of adulthood is being able to make sound decisions based on what you know to be true and questioning what you think is false.

My prayer for each one of us is that we may know the truth which will set us free to pursue our talents, and put them to good use to make the world a better place to live. In this way may true peace be recognized and realized. As long as there is enmity, anger, jealousy, rage or a sense that one is helpless, we are without justice. However, once we awaken, there is no turning back for the way out is the way forward… In this spirit, I wish everyone a conscious new year filled with awareness of your purpose and working with others, not against them, to help create the kind of world we want to live in. It is up to us and grace.

I welcome your comments, thoughts, questions, and feedback. Here’s to the dialogue,

What are we seeing and what thoughts are we harboring?  If the eyes we look out of choose to see the world positively, then indeed the belief is possible that what we choose to see can transform into Gandhi’s advice, “be the change you wish to see in the world.”  I tend to believe that this kind of change is more evident on local levels where we participate in certain activities that are played out with others.  I love the bumper sticker which states “Think global, act local.”  As such, we are drawn to people of like mind, yet find ourselves living and working in places where there is much need for healing.  One frightening aspect to all of the insanity being generated by local or world news is our numbness and added disbelief of what we hear or see.  Do any of us ever watch the news with the hope of seeing something good taking place?  I admit my own frustration with the daily rounds of assault by negativity and fear.  Over the years I have learned to really be present and aware of what I want to create, especially in the study of new thought and metaphysics which has been around since before the turn of the century.  Why?  Because people have always wanted something better. There have been times throughout history where people of all backgrounds, faiths and ethnicities came together to accomplish yet another goal on the ladder towards enlightenment.

More and more, for those of us who are aware, we see a ground swell taking place by and in people who believe that creating a culture of peace is possible.  This is not surprising considering it is the goal of the United Nations for this decade. What exactly does a culture of peace look like?  It spans a wide arena, from social justice and equity to economic balance and environmental safety; from psychological well being to biological balance; from a spiritual political awareness to conscious activism that heals people one by one.

Having recently returned from a day hosted by and at the United Nations in conjunction with Rotary International, I came back more uplifted having been amongst 1300 people from all different countries.  Most of us were awarded a grant to work on service projects this year as Goodwill Ambassadors, University Professors, Cultural Ambassadors, Peace Scholars or Rotarians, whose motto is “service above self.”  It was very inspiring to hear the stories of projects succeeding all over, from Mexico to India, Africa, Belize and right here at home.  Some ideas as simple as providing mosquito netting to protect babies and mothers from malaria; having enough medication donated for AIDS patients in many 3rd world countries stemming the tide of passing the disease on; building a local girls school in a small village in Mexico to help young women improve their self esteem and thereby change the pattern of entering prostitution and drug use for survival.  Other projects include the ongoing prevention of polio through free medication to eradicate it along with having enough garbage cans donated to a local sports stadium in San Ignacio, Belize to help educate people about the harmful effects of garbage without properly disposing of it.

Many of the above examples we take for granted, never being subjected to them.  However, after being awarded the opportunity to live and teach amongst people much poorer than myself, I came to realize how much we have in common; our desire to share in kind and supportive friendships, and make the world a better place.  This was one reason why it was hard to leave San Ignacio; it was the people and the friendships we had, be they rich or poor.  None of that made a difference, only the desire to connect and help out.

Every morning I would look out of one of my kitchen windows and see my next door neighbor hand washing all of her family’s clothes, for a husband and four children who all lived in a one room wooden structure with no running water, electricity or in door plumbing. And yet, they were always kind, happy, helpful and seemed really content and at peace with whatever they had.  Compared to what we have here in the west, I was left with a feeling of true gratitude and humility.  Since returning to Florida the end of May my life has become much simpler, down sizing and connecting to what is really important.

Reflecting on the title of this piece, is there reason to hope for positive change,?  I necessarily reflect on the work we have been called to do.  As mediators we have been trained to allow a space to be created for people to communicate their feelings about a conflict.  Having worked in the field of domestic violence in one county for a long time, I must say how sad it was to be part of a panel in another county twenty years later and hear people still grappling with the same issues we dealt with in another location, and the confusion came from all branches, be it the judiciary, shelters, providers or court employees and their responsibilities.  It occurred to me that these problems are age old and are still with us…and may be forever.  Yet, we still hope that we can make a difference, be a positive influence and that the challenge will become much smaller.  A famous Ba’hai saying is “each one teach one.”

Along that same venue, how many times have we observed mediations where court ordered participants are not even given the opportunity to talk to one another; rather it becomes a caucusing event between attorneys where individuals sit sequestered in a room while there attorneys deliver demands through the mediator who acts as a messenger.  In the end, there is no healing, no release of emotions with the other whom they experienced the conflict with except through  their self contained tears within the safety of four walls where no one can see them save their attorney and the mediator.  There is no expression of honoring the other person’s feelings.

As a matter of fact, many of us realize that having the parties reach an agreement is not the goal as much as the process is which allows them to hear each other’s reality, even if they disagree.  I have often participated in different venues for mediations, be they postal, corporate or family.  It is interesting to note that partial or complete agreements have been negotiated after the parties consciously created the opportunity and space to listen to one another and acknowledge what was being said.  If you are like me, over the years you have attended some meaningful conferences where you really got to experience being the change we wish to see in the world.

In closing, as we embrace the holiday season, what I have coined holidaze, let us truly be mindful of the incredible feelings we get when we see that people are at least starting to overcome their traumas and fears.  Such is the new world unfolding, one in which it is safe to sit with another’s pain and not have to hide or leave.  In that act lies true humility.  In order to be a good leader, we must also know when it is appropriate to follow.  I learned long ago that you cannot give to another what you yourself do not possess.  Let us look upon the work we are privileged to do as a cause for celebration where we can indeed believe that there is more than enough reason to hope for positive change to help humankind get to the next level.

I welcome your comments, thoughts, questions, and feedback.  Here’s to the dialogue,

Now I grow older and adjusting to life
In a world of violence, fear and strife
No intimacy, forgiveness, or room for reason
The battle goes on with each and every season

Despite the negative influences governing my past
I am proud to say I am evolving at last
I forgive you Mom for looking away
I love you more because you stayed

You’re gone now Dad, but I want you to know
I love you more than I did before
I forgive you for all the wrongs you did
To me, your little girl when she was a kid.

Amidst all the chaos in the world today
There is a lot I can be thankful for this day
Thanks to you, my fellow companions
We leave this semester as true champions.

Thank you, Dr. Deri Ronis, I appreciate your time
In helping me reverse intergenerational behavioral patterns that made me blind,
Thank you for allowing me sight of a beautiful horizon
And thanks, too, for your lectures in conflict resolution.

JA
San Ignacio, Belize
January 2007

I have heard Wayne Dyer describe the ego as Edging God Out!! That idea makes perfect sense to me, since the ego’s job is to create separation versus connection and cooperation. The ego can be your “friend” if you accept that it is an aspect of who you truly are, or how you present yourself to the world. However, the ego works against us when we allow it to sabotage our happiness by comparing ourselves to others. Maturity is accepting and respecting that we are all different and celebrating those differences rather than wanting others to be who they are not. So, we might say that the personality then can cause conflict if we are not at peace with ourselves.

The way to manage conflict is to accept the gifts that it brings which is to create something new. Just as anger teaches us that something needs to be changed, conflict is full of potential yet untapped to create something different as well. When all is said and done, we ask ourselves, do we want to be happy or right? In light of the new year upon us, if you choose to set an intention for 2007, let one goal be the following, as Gandhi taught, for us to be change we wish to see in the world.

I kept feeling that way the entire “time” we were there. I had heard about eonic time several years ago from my Acupuncture physician. That idea helped to explain certain events that happen throughout our lives at different seasons which have a way of reminding us of similar issues from other years during those months.

However, I must say that being in Belize felt beyond time…perhaps it is the Mayan influence felt so close in the mountains of San Ignacio. However, Belize City itself felt the same way which is 2 1/2 hours away by car. There was no sense of rushing or urgency, even if we had an appointment, it was as if time went very slowly and felt altered.

Immediately upon returning to the U.S. via Charlotte, North Carolina and being thrust on board a different plane, it felt like we were “blasted” back into another time warp. I have been reading alot of books lately and one that I find very interesting helps to explain some of the issues we are beset with today. It is entitled The Mayan Calendar and the Transformation of Consciousness. It certainly feels like our consciousness was affected in a very positive way by being in that part of the world. I am looking forward to discovering more of its thread when we return to live there for part of 2007.

In returning to the title of this article, it very much feels like time is altered for me. I am reminded of Greg Braden’s book, Walking Between the Worlds. If there is such a thing as a parallel universe as evidenced by physics, then I would venture forth to say that indeed, there is this world and the one unseen. Yet, the unseen world has an impact upon my psyche these days in slowing me down, doing things easily, creating a more simple lifestyle which actually began at the early part of June this year, although I felt its urgings at least a year before.

I can muse in recollection of the song by Chicago, about time, “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?” Although that song came out over 4 decades ago, the words are very much apropos now. I think many people do care about the time we are experiencing in our lifetime. Terrorism, biological and chemical warfare, the environment, natural disasters, all of us are effected.

I like to think of the “time” we live in as a wake up call. It has been written about often that humans need to wake up and realize that life is fragile, temporary and think about the legacy they wish to leave behind. Either we will one day harness the force of love, as Teillard de Chardin wrote about, or we will destroy ourselves. Other civilizations have come and gone. Why not ours?

In closing, I invite you to become still, breathe slowly and look about you. Think about your actions and what you are creating. You always have a choice. On our way back to Belize City, our driver, a wonderful man, steeped in the ways of the Mayan culture and tradition gave us an interesting example of the times we live in and the destiny of our planet…he asked,

“If you rented your house to people who did not take care of it, or it had rats, would you burn the house down? No, you would get rid of the tenants or the rats”…similarly he implied that God will not destroy the earth, it is our home. I took that to mean that the earth will always be here despite what befalls us. Stay tuned for my next month”s musings on this life!! Be kind, be well and compassionate.

The process is so effective and helpful that mediation is now being used in schools, law offices, places of employment, the United States Postal Service and in all branches of government both local and national. It is also used in counseling both at the corporate level and in families. Alternative Dispute Resolution is alive and well in the State of Florida.

Some of the main reasons why mediation is so effective is because of the following:

1. Its premise is to empower individuals to make healthy choices about what is best for them. Mediation is a non-violent form of comminication which allows all participants to explore their feelings and express themselves without being judged. It is a process which allows both parties to have the same amoount of time to share what they think, why they think the way they do, and look for solutions to their problems along with the party they have the problems with.

2. An effective mediator acts as a third person neutral whose only purpose is to facilitate a dialogue amongst the disputing people. They have no vested interest in any outcome other than helping the people sort out their differences, reframe their problems and be a catalyst for a creative resolution to their issues.

3. In some instances, if both people are highly angered and emotionally off balance, the process may not work or the mediator may need to meet with each party separately which is known as a caucus. The mediation process is like a river, it winds its way towards its destination, and no one knows exactly where that is when it starts out. That is because the process is very much alchemical and organic. It is a wonderful, safe opportunity to get at the real issues and at the heart of the problem.

4. This outcome of course requires rigorous honesty and a willingness on all the parties to try and resolve the issues. I have seen in many mediations how people shift their attitudes and perspectives when given a chance to do so. One of the main issues is the ego tries to defend itself so often, which suggests that the person would rather be right than happy. However, as the process influences and affects everyone on a multifaceted level, including emotionally, physically and spiritually, some extraordinary insights emerge.

5. Families have found it especially helpful in working out agreements that benefit their children and extended families. There is no or less animosity, and both parents realize that their divorce has nothing to do with their children and therefore should not subject their offspring to feelings of guilt.

Once again, I was reminded how much I have to be grateful for. When God, Spirit, the Universe brings me opportunities such as these, I am truly blessed. So it makes me wonder, as we prepare to bid goodbye to the summer, and welcome the phase known as Indian summer, depending on where we are geographically positioned, how much have we practiced gratitude for all that works well in our lives? It is so easy to take our health for granted, and then when we see those less fortunate than us, do we ask, how can I help? Or, do we say a silent prayer that intimates “there but for the grace of God go I?”

Another young adult, this time a teenage boy who is partially paralyzed and on crutches is another great teacher. I shared with him just today how I use him as an example for the fact that every day he has to move his body with crutches, and it takes him longer than others to get where he is going. Yet, with all of his limitations, he smiles a lot and has said on many occassions, “all is well.” How many of us can say that, all is well, even when we have our health?

My intention in this reflection is not to create guilt, but gratitude. Many people have said how important gratitude is, however the real feeling of gratitude is found in experiencing it. So, as we move forward in time, my hope is that we are able to greet each day as a lesson. I often prepare my mind each morning for the kind of day I would like to create, and I am open to learning what will make me even more grateful.

I hope these musings have inspired you in some small way. For those of you who are interested, we are beginning a spiritual support group in mid September. Please see the information attached for the number to call to register. Although the first group is open to women, the intention is to create groups for both men and women together. I wish everyone a sacred, special time in these coming months.

I recently had an experience that I found helpful in my own growth and I believe it can have some message for you as well. For all the years I have been working in my field as a psychotherapist, mediator, trainer, speaker, author etc. I do find myself from time to time applying for positions where I think I could make a bigger difference and following my passion. I don’t often do this except when I am sent something that sparks my interest. I recently had such an experience when I responded to an ad for a position with the United States Institute of Peace to work in their project of interfaith peacekeeping as a program director. Lo and behold, I was emailed and asked to send a copy of my book, Bridging the Gap to Peace: From a New Way of Thinking into Action. Then a few weeks later I got a call to set up an interview over the phone approximately two weeks later.

Needless to say, all sorts of ideas were swirling around in my head and I was wondering so many things about this opportunity. On the day of the call, I settled myself comfortably and responded to the questions on the other end of the phone. I felt at peace and yet since it has been such a long time that I have ever had an interview, I really felt awkward about asking more questions than the ones I did. I thought to myself that if invited to go for an in person interview, I would then ask everything. I was thanked for my time a half hour later and was told that I would get a call back by the end of the week.

I never got a call, but I did get an email. The email was sent on the last day of that next week, although I didn’t read it until 3 days later. The gentleman who did the interview thanked me for my time and said it was a difficult decision since there were so many excellent candidates, including myself, however, they narrowed it down to 3 finalists for in person interviews and was asked to stay in touch because of our similar interests.

I must admit at that moment, I felt sad for a missed opportunity. With all of my faith in tact, I still questioned myself and wondered if I could have done something different, if I could have asked more questions that would have shown more interest. Yet, there was nothing. I felt a blank. In talking to some friends as much as I knew the old adage, If it is meant to be, it will and if not, it won’t.” I was raised with that understanding known as Ba’Shert in Hebrew which means the same thing.

The point of this missive about life in retrospect is that all we have is the present moment. WE can look backwards and forwards, yet it leads us to where we are at the present. I have been taught to accept 100% responsibility for what I create, and so my reaction to this experience is as important as my initial action taken when I responded to the call. We truly never know what life will bring us, but what we do know is that we don’t ever stop trying. With all of the years I worked in the Unity ministry, I learned to let go and let God. And so, on I go with my peacekeeping efforts right where I am everyday in everyway. I hope this article has been helpful for you and would welcome hearing from you. I send warmest regards of compassion and kindness for this spring…

]]> http://drderi.wordpress.com/2008/11/18/life-in-retrospect/feed/ 0 drderi http://drderi.wordpress.com/2008/11/18/as-time-goes-by/ http://drderi.wordpress.com/2008/11/18/as-time-goes-by/#comments Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:34:34 +0000 drderi http://drderi.wordpress.com/?p=44 ]]> I can imagine that you are all deluged with emails wishing a Happy New Year. In thinking about some of the ills that have beset our planet since the end of December, namely the Tsunami in Sri Lanka, it appears that a new year’s wish might be “Have a safe new year.” Yet, even safety is illusory. I am reminded of Dr. Paul Dunion’s statement in an article where he wrote that nothing is really safe or predictable. Perhaps, that is what we have to learn to live with. Then, when we master living with unpredictability, maybe we will be more mindful of the world we wish to live in.

I also think about Gandhi’s admonition to be the change we wish to see in the world. So, in essence, whatever we wish to experience is indeed up to us. The more of us there are who live in that framework, the more there will be who embrace the philosophy that we don’t live isolated lives although some might think so. In fact, we are more connected than ever if we choose to be.

In a recent lecture I gave on Peace, Politics and Purpose, one of the gentlemen was an elderly man in his 80’s whom I interacted with. His wife called the next day and asked what I did to her husband. He came home feeling happy and at peace. I said that all I did was hold his hand, look into his eyes and “use him” as a role model for the class about connectedness. I found out that he had had a stroke but I didn’t know that even though he was in a wheelchair. Sometimes, life is really that simple…just about being there for others.

So, at this time, the beginning of our solar calendar, my prayer and wish are the same, “let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.” A bit naïve, perhaps, and yet we were reminded long ago what we as a species need to do or a code to live by that will create what is good. The choice again is up to us. I welcome your calls and comments. Blessings of shalom.